Caught On My Edge To Death

The big “L” (loneliness) started to kick in. I’m sitting there watching Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and I’m not even laughing as I usually do because let’s be honest, he was funny on SNL and still funny on his talk show. Yet, I’m still distracted from my own depressing thoughts. I mean I imagined I was kind of healed per say, but inside of me still seems to be on edge.

I feel a little discouraged actually to do anything I would like to do like join photography classes or even help out in the community just because I feel no one is there to push me further to do these things, not even my parents. I keep thinking of new ideas or new things I want to get into and then give up half way saying maybe it’s not worth it, people will not understand where I’m coming from, or they would think it’s all stupid and get all ignorant on me. So, I somehow believe what they say and just lay there like a lazy old, retired lion.

As I gradually learn about my status with my passions, my social status also hit home run too. I actually feel my loins breaking down all at once. To be honest, I’m not even going to the gym as much as I should skipping about two weeks maybe. The thing is the guys at the gym are usually minding their own business and the only people I could approach comfortably are the trainers obviously to help me out with my training and the way of the machines. I also go on Instagram once in a while and I get a little agitated when I see pictures of friends I know or don’t know hanging out together whether on a road trip, fishing trip, doing a lot of BS trips, but good and enjoyable BS. I actually saw a picture of a group of guys I knew from high school on Instagram going on a fishing trip, and I wish just wish I could hang out with them and so I keep thinking that it could be because I just look and act so damn weird!!

I want to try to show these guys who I am as a person, but because of this presumption I think they have about me since high school, and even when I hung out with them in college, it’s mostly awkward silences with sounds of not only crickets, but flies buzzing around like they’re on their honey moon season. There are a lot of guy stuff I want to do I just can’t seem to find the right people to do it with. I would love to some days go on road trips, fishing trips, anything. I am just tired of still being the first one to ask people to go out and kept on getting postponed like an exam they forgot about until the last-minute.

Speaking of last minutes, I actually think about my last day on earth a lot when the topic of not having friends comes up in my archive of pitiful thoughts. One question that kept on jumping till my eyes pop out of their sockets was: From the people I know, how many will actually show up in my funeral, let alone my wedding? I wish before I pass through the light tunnel I would be a ghost first just to see how many people are affected by my tragic absence (I always imagined myself die in a car crash for some reason or even simply die in my sleep and at a young age). Would the people even care to show up? By people, I mean I knew them from high school, college, or at work not just people who are mostly friends of my Dad, relatives, and people who are just obligated to come out of respect. I feel like it’s only then I know who my real friends are. Of course, because of my desperation I usually get too excited when I get a call from someone I haven’t heard in a long time and then suddenly that little connection we had just gets disconnected somehow either we drifted apart or other priorities popped up. Then, the postponement cycle turns back again. I call the guy to hang out and my favorite words I can visualize him saying, “Soon” or “Next week maybe”. No matter how much I even follow-up, it’s always these words that their minds seem to be stuck on. I want one of them to ask me, “Hey, do you still wanna hang out this week? Me and the guys are heading to this party we go every year and heard it was THE PARTY to go to and they do it every year, wanna come?” I would automatically say, “Yah sure” in a very casual, nonchalant way and as soon as I hang up the phone I play Smooth Criminal by MJ in the background and start dancing like crazy.

Up to this point, I’m not even sleeping as early as I should or want lately since I resigned. The latest I’m going to sleep everyday is at 6:00 in the morning. I’m telling you I feel like I have no life at all. I do want to go out so badly, but even when I go out alone it only reminds me more of how lonely I am. I’ll just be standing there on the edge of a cliff, waiting time to pass by me and in one gush of wind my soul surrenders.

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