My crazy weird ass personality started to advance when I was an outcast from middle school to high school, and jumping from one school to another didn’t make my friendships any easier. Little did I know that I became a victim of selfish, little flies stalking me to my single strand of hair. You try to itch these flies, wave them away, flick them off and yet they keep coming back for more to satisfy their flesh-eating egos. I even tried to apply “if you can’t beat ’em join ’em” motto with these people wearing a pair of silver Oakleys with the mirror lenses and sporting the spiky hair just to look cool. I was basically DJ Qualls in The New Guy, but born with lazy eyes, a mono brow and slouched back. No matter how much sleep and back straighteners, I was still being picked on with funny impressions of that goofy vulture from Looney Tunes.
Let’s face it, I was the weird one in the family too. Even when I made my little brother believe he was the one adopted, since he doesn’t look anything like my mum or dad, I am now realizing who’s the real black sheep here. This has also driven me to go to countless therapies thinking I had some rare psychological disease that I wish Dr. Phil and The Doctors could solve, which at one point, my dad even thought Dr. Phil was my “idol.” I have struggled with solitude for pretty much my whole life even until college. Don’t get me wrong; I did have some friends here and there, but there’s only so much you can do to tell the difference between the one-faced and the two-faced and boy, did I have a lot of two-faced people in my life that I just wanna bitch-slap them to maturity. Therefore, obviously trusting people was a big problem for me, and still is. Even if a girl looked as innocent as Jessica Rabbit, I’ll still have question marks floating above my head. I’m sorry I know she doesn’t exist, but I’d like to believe the illusion that she does. I sometimes feel these false hopes keep me going to get what I want or need in my life. It’s sad I know and unrealistic some would say, but it does help me broaden my imagination and to me that’s a plus.
Time passed by and I actually have gotten a bit better and gained a little confidence as I grew older. However, suicide thoughts still haunt me to this day. Whenever I’m alone either laying on the couch watching TV, or even going to the movies by myself (one of my distraction methods from my depression), I just wish someone was there to share it with. I really did think something was wrong with me and no one loved me blah blah blah. I didn’t even talk about it with my parents because they had their own issues to deal with so I didn’t want to depress them even more with my crazy emotional antics. Of course, they knew I had few to no friends and the depression mode, but not the suicide. At some point, I actually thought of carrying out an attempt hanging on a rope at the roof top of my house, but thankfully even with my family in their own dysfunctional “locos,” I have survived those episodes today because of the great support system I have from them.
I’m 24 years old now and my social status to say the least has never changed. Sure, I traveled to Dubai by myself and even conquered my fears skydiving 13,000 ft in the air but no luck. I mean I have these passions and adrenalin inside me I just wanna get it out so badly, but I start wasting it away in the bathroom, in the hot shower, visualizing anime girls kidnap me to a van and just…talk whatever deep subject I had in mind. Yes, like any normal guy, I also did release some “frustrations” from inside of me; I can’t help it. Not having friends still lingers in my mind though. In fact, because of too much lingering, it became a huge infestation of thoughts that I can’t take it anymore and start blowing my tantrums on my bed pillows throwing them against walls, screaming at the tops of my lungs. Then, the one thing most men never expose to anyone in public and that is pain followed by tears of shame. Rivers upon rivers started streaming down my face that I could as well breed an ocean ecosystem with these waters.
All in all, I’m still fighting my way through life. I’m still young and trying to visit the gym (as it should help you enhance your emotional, mental, and physical being or so I’ve been told). So, I believe I am striving to get there, but just a little slower than I anticipated I guess. Hoping for the best to know what “there” is.